Friday, January 25, 2008

Zombies, Second Wave

And it continues...

7. Evil Dead Trilogy (Sam Reimi, Rob Tapert)

Synopsis – Bruce Cambell is Ash, an everyman we can all relate to at the beginning of the first film, and a true action hero by the end of the third. We first find him and his friends on a holiday in a remote cabin in the woods. Little do they know, the cabin contains the book of the dead, which is a portal that allows the Deadites to invade their living bodies. The second film is pretty much a hilarious remake, and though Ash loses his hand in this one, I like to think he’s actually gaining a chainsaw. In the third, he’s sucked into medieval times by the portal, coming to the aid of a couple of kings with mullets in their quest to defeat the Deadite infestation. All this in order to return home to his dead end job. Shop smart, shop S-Mart.

How to survive – Pretty much do whatever Ash says. Never argue with anyone who has a chainsaw for an arm. And don’t lock anyone in the cellar.

8. Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things (Bob Clark, 1972)

Synopsis – This movie is not made by Dick Clark’s brother. At least not that I know of. A group of friends go to an abandoned house on an island to horse around with a corpse. They end up performing some sort of ritual with it and of course the corpse gets mad and comes back to life. This seems like a film made by an asshole teacher and his students who wanted to make a cult classic. To some, it is. To me, it’s utter crap.

How to survive – Respect the dead, for starters. Not all corpses like the Weekend at Bernie’s bit. Also, if you DO happen to raise the ire of a corpse, make an offering of the biggest asshole among you (that would be Alan) and save yourselves.

9. Creepshow “Something to Tide You Over” (George Romero, Stephen King, 1982)

Synopsis – Leslie Nielsen plays a wealthy yet dangerous man who is being cuckolded by his wife with Ted Danson. To exact revenge, he buries the lovebirds up to their necks in the sand at the tideline. He videotapes their demise at the hands of the sea, watching (and probably rewinding again and again) with rapturous pleasure. After the tide has gone back out, he inspects the scene of the crime to find their bodies missing. Thinking they either washed out to sea or got buried completely, he beams at the job well done. Later, they amble up to his house looking like someone dumped a truckload of Nori seaweed on them and sounding like Janis Joplin after too many cigarettes. You can guess what happens next.

How to survive – Ahh, zombie revenge on murdurous revenge on a pair of cheaters is a tough one. My suggestion would be to spend less time gloating over the murders you just committed, and maybe take an immediate trip somewhere far, far away. Preferably in the middle of a large land mass some distance from the beach. Best to just let ole Sam Malone have the cheating bitch and hope god blessed you with the foresight to have her sign a pre-nup.

10. Shaun of the Dead (Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, 2004)

Synopsis – Adorable loser Shaun (Simon Pegg) loses his girlfriend, then wins her back during a hilarious zombie invasion of England. Sharply witty, with great acting, subtle parody of the genre, and Coldplay as zombies. Shaun leads the gang through the ‘hood to his favorite haunt, the Winchester pub. On the way they get lessons in acting like zombies to blend in, wreck a couple of cars, and do away with a stuffy roommate. One of the best parts is when they beat the crap out of the zombified pub owner and his wife with pool cues to Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.”

How to Survive – Actually, though his mother, his stepdad, his best friend, and his girlfriend’s flatmates get picked off by zombies, Shaun does a pretty good job of trying to get them to safety(they’re just stupid/slow/heroic). Of the ones who died the flatmates could have lived if they just hadn’t decided to fight in front of a large window.

11. 28 Days Later (Danny Boyle, 2002)

Synopsis – Cillian Murphy wakes up alone in a hospital with a bad haircut. To top off his awesome day, he finds out he’s one of a handful of people who hasn’t been infected with a virus that makes super fast, super contagious zombies. He and two girls end up at a military base run by angry Christopher Eccleston, and he finds he not only has to protect the girls from the zombies, but also from the soldiers.

How to Survive – Wear goggles and surgical masks at all times when outside. In fact, wear hazmat suits if you can. Don’t waltz around on the open street, and definitely don’t seek out the help of the military. More often than not in these movies, they’re deeply involved in the outbreak, and/or just plain horny assholes.

12. Land of the Dead (George Romero AGAIN, 2005)

Synopsis – There is one last outpost of humanity, and it plays like Jabba the Hut’s digs. About three people AREN’T assholes, and everybody else is. Somehow Dennis Hopper has duped everyone into believing money is still important, and George Romero’s usual “who’s worse, us or them?” theme is prevalent. Meanwhile, the zombies have learned to stop staring dumbly at fireworks and start thinking about how to get into the city, to eat all those glorious, greedy brains. In this one also, zombies have shown that they really don’t mind taking a stroll under water to get where they’re going.

How to survive – Firstly, kill Dennis Hopper. Then, get the hell away from the other assholes, taking your armored truck into a less populated area. If none of these options work for you, definitely don’t sympathize with the zombies and forlornly say, “they deserve to live, too.” One can bet that the zombies won’t agree, and will eat your brain while you stand there struggling internally with ethics.


John said...

This may be worth reading in your research. Its a highly excellent book, I recommend it.

Sarah Bee said...

Hah, I already own it!

HydroJen said...

Dead by Dawn, Dead by Dawn!