Zombies, Exhibit A

Let's do these in sixes, shall we?

The following are only zombie movies I have seen, and I have usually picked the original rather than the remake. See previous post for details. Moving on...


1. Ship of Zombies (Armando de Ossorio, 1974)

Synopsis – Some Italian lesbians and inept men climb aboard a ghost ship to explore. Come dark, zombies that look like peat bog mummies come to life, dismembering the majority of the speaking cast before the blond hero and the girl (who decides she isn’t a lesbian after all in the face of his average physique) get away from the ship. This is probably the first zombie movie I had ever seen, at the tender age of ten or so. Of course, I’ve seen it since then, once I was able to track it down.

How to survive – Throwing the coffins of the zombies overboard, then throwing yourself overboard and swimming ashore might not be the best idea ever. Zombies don’t have to breathe underwater.


2. Cemetery Man (Michele Soavi, 1994)

Synopsis – Poor put-upon cemetery caretaker Francesco Dellamorte (played convincingly hetero by Rupert Everett) has his hands full not only with his odd, simple assistant, but with the occupants of the graves returning to life a few days after interment. Also, they live in a snowglobe.

How to survive – Dellamorte does a good job with his dum-dum bullets, but a word of advice to him would be not to have sex with your new girlfriend on her dead husband’s grave. And throwing up on a girl may not get you a date immediately, but once she’s only a decapitated head, she may find you oddly irresistible.


3. Dawn of the Dead (Original, George Romero, 1978)

Synopsis – Zombies abound due to a mysterious virus. Our four intrepid heroes hole up in a shopping mall to wait it out. Three of them lack common sense but one of those three is a pregnant woman, so you know she’s going to survive regardless.

How to survive – Pretty much assume that any other survivors, savory or not, are also going to be attracted to the plethora of goods contained in your shopping mall. Barricade yourselves in your cozy lair until the assholes leave again. Don’t sneak around trying to get a good look at them; one will definitely spot you and follow you. And yes, it sucks to have to clear your mall of zombies twice. Use shotguns. Or better yet, lure them all out onto the ice rink and entertain yourself with their wacky antics as they slide around trying to get you.


4.Thriller (John Landis, 1983)

Synopsis – Begins with the preposterous premise of Michael Jackson on a date with a girl, and goes downhill from there. (Okay, it’s an extended music video, but I couldn’t resist.)

How to survive – Zombies love to dance! By all means, show ‘em your moves!


5. Demons (Lamberto Bava, 1985)

Synopsis – A girl gets a flier from a mysterious guy (Michele Soavi!) to attend a film at a newly opened theatre. After everyone settles in, someone gets infected by touching a mysterious demon mask, and hilarity ensues as the zombie virus spreads throughout the now locked theatre. It’s almost as if someone planned this catastrophe.

How to survive – I’ll tell you how to prevent this shit: put velvet ropes around the mask, or perhaps building a Plexiglas box for it. Otherwise, survival depends on getting yourself holed up somewhere no one would think to look.


6. Night of the Living Dead (George Romero, 1968)

Synopsis – Duane Jones takes leadership of a group of survivors in a farmhouse, barricading it from an onslaught of zombies that wandered in from the local cemetery. There’s a wicked scene involving a little girl, a garden trowel, and her jerkface dad. I’ve never looked at garden trowels the same since. This film is notable for two things – it’s got a black hero, which is rare for a time when black people still hadn’t made it out of servant roles, and it’s also got an implied budding interracial relationship. Yay, George Romero, for your forward thinking!

How to survive – Keep your head. And if somehow you make it through the night intact, it’s a good idea to make some sort of sandwich board proclaiming that you are definitely NOT a zombie before leaving the house. Tune in soon, for six more.